Letting Go Of Expectations

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Have you ever read something and realized it was YOU the writer was talking about? Okay, well maybe not really you, but it may as well have been. The words hit so close to home that you look over your shoulder to see if anyone is watching you, as you read...

I've finished One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I'm reading it again. It's that good. On pages 168-169, Ann discusses "expectations". During book club it was discussed that expectations are premeditated resentments.

Ouch.

How many times have I let my expectations, ruin the moment? How many times have I expected something, only to see that others can't meet that bar? How many times have I expected perfection in the moment, only to be sorely disappointed? I struggle with the way I think things "should be". When things don't turn out the way I had hoped, I am left frazzled, irritated, and resentful.

Resentment. I know it well. I wish I didn't.

That insidious word, feeling, has stolen my joy on numerous occasions.

It builds up inside of me, until it blinds me to all else. I can no longer see the joy of the moment because resentment has me standing in darkness.

I bite the words as they come out of my mouth. Hard and bitter.

I need to let the expectations go.

Do I want to enjoy the moment that God gave me, or do I want to "be right"?

"Expectations, kill relationships", Ann surmises. I tend to agree.

I'm a work in progress.

Joy is in the moment.

I'm learning to "let go" so I can enjoy the moments God has given me. The lessons are not simple, nor easy.

All of life is learning.

It's hard to stay resentful... if I'm giving thanks. The two don't mix well. I will continue with eucharisteo.

Amen.

We are discussing "letting go" this week at A Holy Experience. If you would like to read more, click on my Walk With Him Wednesdays graphic on my right side bar.

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In The Rearview Mirror

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In chapter 8 of One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp says, "God reveals Himself in rearview mirrors. And I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long, long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rearview mirror...Maybe sometimes about as far as heaven ---that kind of distance."

Wow. That statement rocked me. Hard.

I've thought about this a lot, long before I read Ann's words. She just reminded me of it.

In my own life, I can look back and see all the ways that God has loved and provided for me. He has shown patience with me, and forgiven me.  During the good days...and also in the days I slogged through the muck.

It's all His grace.

Looking back...

Both the wise decisions I've made and the poor decisions...consequences I suffered.

People I've lost...tears I've shed. New friendships and relationships.

Drawing close to Him...Him drawing even closer to me.

My life glimmers in the mirror. School, Family, Career, Marriage, Motherhood, Friendships, Homes, Widowhood, Death, Dating, Remarriage, Blended Families, Resigning from teaching, Home School, New House, Moving, Job Loss, New Job.....

The small decisions of the every day, the big decisions that change a life, the happy, the sad, the silly and the profound. All the things that knit together to make my life.

It is when I look in my rearview mirror that I realize God was there.

He's always been there..... It was me. I was the one driving blind.

I must keep my eyes open to see Him.

I'm continuing on this journey, to thank Him in the daily grind. To live fully...right where I'm at.

# 196 It was only the basement that flooded during this rainy weather. It could have been worse...and it wasn't.

# 197 My husband who is good at fixing stuff, in the now muddy and soggy basement. He's trying hard to get this done.

#198 Warm socks on a cold floor.

#199 Conversations with my children.

#200 Letters from the heart.

# 201 Warm quilts

# 202 My favorite wing back chair to read in

#203 An extra spoonful of sour cream

# 204 My son making dinner

# 205 Kindness

It's all eucharisteo to... Him. It's all grace to me.

(Click the multitudes on Mondays --One Thousand Gifts graphic on the ride side of my blog...if you want to read what others are saying!)

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Mud Is Just Wet Dirt

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The snow and ice from the storm a couple of weeks ago, is now melting. The sun is shining today. It almost looks like Spring.

My husband and I had our house built back off the road. About 250 feet off the road. That might not seem like a lot until one realizes that during the warmer spring months, our driveway and yard turn into a huge mud pit. This process has already started. I almost lost a boot today while trudging through the slop. If I wasn't being sucked into the mud, I was trying to not wipe out on the ice spots that are still very slippery.

So begins the mud season. My laundry room literally becomes the mud room. For a room that was built to CLEAN and DRY clothes, I can't even set a basket on the floor because of all the mud and boots laying around. For the next 3 1/2 months I will not even attempt to clean that floor. It is a vain effort to even try.

Now, that we have an indoor dog the mud season poses another huge issue for me. You see, the laundry room can look like the rainy season in the Amazon, but the rest of the house I'd like to TRY and keep half way decent. At least half way. Decent. Sigh.

I have given my son (dog owner) the responsibility of wiping off his dog's feet. So now, he not only walks the dog, but he wipes all four of the doggie paws before passing through the threshold. I have a feeling this is going to be a long springtime.

Life is full of messes, isn't it? If you are anything like me, you are always trying to clean up a mess. Somewhere. On something.

The "nutritional bits" in the dog food, that the dog doesn't really care for...and so picks them all out of the dish and spews them around the kitchen floor. Or the dishes that had to be soaked in the sink because one of my children refuses to put things in the dishwasher until WHATEVER was on the plate is rock hard. Muddy shoes, spilled milk, chaotic rooms, cat fur on the couch and a pile of laundry. Messes. All of them.

On days when I am overwhelmed with the messes of life, I stop. I try and refocus. What is truly important?

So many times I have to remember that this IS life. Life is not clean. It is not neat. It is not neatly pressed....and most of the time it doesn't smell good.

And I take a deep breath.....and if it is a really messy day I hold my breath until I pass out.

 

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Love And Marriage

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Our love intertwined in the moments of the every day......

"Are you coming to sit with me?"

I will in just a minute.

"Do you want to play Boggle?"

Okay...but, you almost always win.

"No, I don't."

Yes, you do.

"Okay, so I do."

"Thank you for making lunch."

You're welcome.

"Do you want to ride into town with me? I need to get something at Lowe's."

Sure, can we get a coffee while we're out?

"I drink coffee. You drink creamer and mocha with a splash of coffee for flavor."

Do not.

"Do too."

I like mocha.

HE JUST WANTS TO BE WITH ME....ME.

OUT OF ALL THE WOMEN IN THE WORLD, HE WANTS TO HANG  WITH ME.

How cool is that?

 

Walk With Him Wednesdays---Click On The Picture On My Sidebar

 

 

 

 

 

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Help! I'm Stuck In Frozen Foods

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So, as I mentioned in yesterday's blog post...I got up early and went to the grocery store(s). WalMart at 8:15 in the morning usually is not so busy. Today it WAS! Every body and their brother was schlepping up and down the aisles picking out "stuck in a snowstorm" food. It also did not help my plight any that whoever wasn't shopping for snow food was shopping for Super Bowl food. Get out of my way Super Bowl people!  Put down those chips and cheese dip. I'm on a mission.

I wrestled somebody's grandma to the ground for the last bottle of salsa. Okay, so that is a lie. I didn't really do that. I wouldn't wrestle a grandma for salsa. Ice cream maybe, but not salsa. I have my priorities.

In all seriousness, there were a lot of senior individuals out and about today. I felt sorry for them. They probably believed their early morning shopping routine was being over taken by storm shoppers...and they would be right.

I moved on to the next store. I got there 15 min. after it opened. By the time I got ready to check out, the line was all the way back to the freezer aisle! For the love of Pete! Storm shoppers are a hardy bunch. We are not deterred by long lines! We settled in for the long haul. I was enjoying the sweet scene in front of me. A little boy (about 3 or 4 yrs. old) was shopping with his aunt. I know this because he called her aunt several times. (Call me super sleuth)  He was telling her various stories about  his parents. (one of them had to be this woman's brother or sister) It was a lovely story about how the little boy's mom liked Chinese food and the little boy liked Chinese (the jury is still out on whether Daddy liked it). He asked his aunt if she'd buy him Chinese? She said, "why don't we let mommy and daddy buy that?"  He said okay. "Mommy gets Chinese a lot, because she can't cook it." I smiled. The little guy smiled back. He reminded me of my son when he was 4 years old. He liked to tell stories too. Not about Chinese food, but you get the gist.

The line went quickly. I smiled at the cashier gentleman. I told him that he was very quick with check out and I appreciated that he was smiling and in a good mood even though he was swamped. He laughed. He said, "I expected that we'd we busy, just not this early!"

I got everything stashed and packed in the mini van. I did not drop anything...no cans rolled under the van. Not that, that happens to me. Purely, hypothetical. On the way home I did hear a loud crash and looked to see that a sack of soups fell off the seat and rolled around on the floor near the van's side door. I'm so lucky. Now when I open the van door, all the cans will roll out into the driveway. Sigh. I don't get paid enough for this wife/mom gig. Just sayin'.

The weather people are calling for a monster storm. Snow. Sleet. Freezing Rain. High winds. Some states. even getting tornadoes. Just watch. All this shopping and standing in line and we, here in rural Ohio, probably will end up with an inch of snow. That would be my luck. Whatever. At least I have enough hot chocolate and chips to last the family and me until 2012.

Oh, and by the way, I also have sweet smelling candles to burn...just in case the electricity goes out. (due to ice) We might all be sitting in the dark but, at least it will smell good. Then again apple, cinnamon, and pumpkin spice scented candles might make us hungry. That's where the excessive amounts of chips and salsa comes in. A mom always plans ahead.

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The Time Of My Life

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Time is a blessing.

On most days, we feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. We scurry around trying to get all the things checked off on our to do lists. We make appointments, try to squeeze in a few hours of sleep, and work, while we watch the clock. Time doesn't always feel like a blessing. Sometimes time feels like a curse, especially when we feel we don't have enough of it.We are hardly ever satisfied with time.

The other day I was pondering, time. I was thinking about how time has affected me. Changed me. How my whole life is different--and time has played a role in that. On rough, hard days time mercifully brought night and sleep...knowing "this too shall pass".  On other days time brought a beautiful sunrise and the excitement of a new day. There are moments in time that are etched forever in my memory. For good and bad. But time has never stopped.

In 1986, I graduated from high school. I smiled as I walked across the stage to accept my scholarship. I knew that my time in high school was well spent.

In 1990 I graduated from college. I knew my degree would allow me to spend time doing what I loved...teaching.

In 1992 I married in the heat of July in the South. In tons of taffeta and lace. And I wondered to myself, why did I pick this time of year?

In 1994 I found out I was pregnant. Time had a whole new meaning to me...as I waited.

In 1998 when my son was three, I wanted time to slow down. Three years old. It was a great year. I wanted to remember everything. Absolutely everything.

In 1999 my husband was diagnosed with a terminal heart disease. Each moment became important. We began to realize that he would not live to old age. And time seemed cruel.

In 2000, when the emergency doctors and nurses yelled, "Code Blue" time stood still. I felt as if I was caught in a slow motion machine. Unable to move as the medical personnel swarmed my husband.

After the funeral, evenings became long...not sure how to fill my time. A new kind of normal.

Five years of widowhood. I realized time doesn't stop for anyone...and my son and I were going to be okay. Time was therapeutic.

December 2005 . Remarriage. Vows.  A new life. Time seemed promising.

Teenagers in the house...not many years left with them before they move on to their own independence. Time seems to be moving at warp speed.

My husband and I in our 40's. Within the next decade, facing the "empty nest". Time has possibilities.

And here I sit. On January 13, 2011. A new year is just beginning. I have no idea what it will hold for me. It's kind of exciting, and a little scary.

Because time stops for no one.

 

 

 

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We Are Family!

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Over Christmas break I decided to try my hand at figuring out my family tree. I'm using Ancestry.com. It's really very interesting. So far I'm back to the 1600's through my paternal grandmother's side of the family. I'm finding family from Ireland, England, and Germany so far. It gets a little tricky finding parents of ladies that married into the family.

Things I've learned along the way...

1. A lot of young ladies got married at the age of 20.Some younger. Some older. Twenty is the average.

2. As I dig back in time I realize that having 9-13 children was normal. I know this was a common occurrence, but it tires me just thinking about it. If that were me, I'd be the type that would say something like this, " John, Jacob, Michael, Peter, Robert...... For cryin' out loud, YOU. Yeah, the one with the blond hair! Thomas. I knew that. Really. Yes I did!!! As long as YOU know who YOU are, I'm okay with it." Seriously. That would be me.

3. My family had beautiful names... Catherine Eliza (1767), Christina Katrina (1763), Sarah Ann (1827). Also names that showed the times...Mary, Emma, Orpha Maria, Annie, Sophia, Matilda, and Gertrude. You know what's funny? Several of these "old" names are back in style again. How many Emma's or Sophia's do you know? Oh, and one (several greats) grandmother from Germany. Her name was Waldburga Geiger Von Wurttemberg (1705). Try and say that name 5 times, fast. I dare you.

4. Many of the men had Biblical names. James, John, Joseph, Samuel, Philip, Thomas, Benjamin, Daniel, Michael and David. There are also some interesting ones such a Cyrus, Andrew Jackson, Purnell, Raymond, and Johann (es).

5. Most of my mom's side of the family settled in Pennsylvania after making their way to the "colonies". Most of my dad's side of the family settled in North Carolina.

6. I had one of  "those moments", while sitting researching. If even one of these long line of people had not been born, I would not be sitting here and typing this blog entry right now.

7. Some of my (many great) grandfathers had first wives that died young. The men went on to remarry. I'm thankful for that. Some of my (many great) grandmothers were second wives. Really, if you think about it, they were young women, marrying men somewhat older than they were. In some cases the men already had children with their deceased wives. So the new brides married into already established families--and then added more children. Quite a handful.

8. This is really fun.

9. After I go as far as I can in the family tree---I'm going to start researching places. The one (many greats) grandmother was born in Kendal (or Kendale?) Ireland. I also want to look up Wurttemburg and Mecklenburg, Germany.

10. It makes me wonder about my own legacy. What will my future family learn about me? What history will I leave behind?

I'm thankful for family...

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To Love and To Cherish

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My family and I attended a church social yesterday evening. We were there to celebrate the marriage of an older couple in our church. They had just celebrated their 68th anniversary. That is practically unheard of in this day and time. They were  married in 1942.

1. I've learned things from observing  this couple.

2. A man of true strength doesn't have to be loud, or hardened.

3. He fought in WWII, witnessed the death of his buddies...

4. Yet, this is the same man, who now in his late 80's, lovingly helps his wife to get out of her wheelchair and into the car.

5. Over the past few years his wife has lived with severe arthritis in her back, and has hearing loss.

6. That didn't matter last night.

7. He smiled at her and leaned over to tell her what people were saying.

8. I learned that she had a yellow Camero that she loved to drive in days gone by.

9. And she enjoyed laughing and being silly with her friends.

10. I learned when he was a boy, his family owned horses and buggies.

11. Until... his dad was one of the first in town to buy a car.

12. I told him, " you and your wife have seen a lot of changes in society, during your marriage."

13. He agreed.

14. I also said, " It is one thing to read history in a book, it's quite another to hear it from someone who was actually there."

15. He laughed. "Yep."

16. "to have and behold from this day on, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; until death do us part..."

17. Today's society rarely gets a glimpse at a couple, like the one I saw last night.

18. It is almost unheard of.

19. I was honored

20. To see love, up close.

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO RAYMOND AND VIVIAN

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Men...And Other Scary Animals

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I like men. I actually love some of them. I think that a lot of time men get "bad raps" in the media. Not fair. They have a lot of good qualities that oft times get overlooked. On this note, I am dedicating today's blog to my loving husband and sons, and all the other men out there that make the world a more crazy...eh hem....delightful place. I would also like to state for the record that this blog is MY opinion, and on MY blog that is the only one that counts. If you are a male basher don't read this blog---because I am all about flowers and sunshine:)

1. Men like to fix things. This is very helpful to me when I have no clue as to what I am doing. "Honey, the thing- a- ma- bobber just fell off the what-cha-ma-call-it....do you think you can fix that for me? Sure. ( I love him!)

2. Unless the food is completely toxic and inedible men will give it a try...and sometimes ask for seconds. I love that they are not so picky.

3. Men are usually good with calculations. Math is not really my forte'. Well, upper level math is not my forte' is what I should say. I also appreciate my husband's precision when measuring for whatever it is that he is building for me.

4. Men are great foot warmers in bed. Most of the time they don't complain, even if one's feet are cold, most of the time they are just glad that you are snuggling with them.

5. Most men work really hard in their chosen career. (or even if it's not their chosen career) They want to provide for their family. It makes them feel good--which in turn makes the family feel good:) Which makes them feel good. Which makes us feel good. See the circle of love?

6. Most men are really about 12 years old mentally. Some people see this as an obstacle that needs to be overcome. I see it as well.....let's just say that burping contests, lawn mower races and wrestling each other to the floor is dangerous after a certain age, and leave it at that.

7. Men can look totally cute in the morning...even right after getting up. The messy hair and unshaven face just add to the mystique.

8. Men like to have female friends. Why do you think that so many men get married? 'Cause they love us, girls. They really do. They realize how cool we actually are and they like to hang with us. This shows they obviously have good taste, right?

9. They are brave and courageous. Even if they are scared out of their wits they, most of the time, will be the one to get up and "see" what the scary noise is out in the living room. They also crawl under houses to fix things...braving snakes, possums, mice, or other vermin. They are supermen!

10. They are fun to have around and they make us laugh. They help to make the world a little more goofy, and less tense of a place.

11. They are not rattled when they take a wrong turn. "We'll just drive around until we see something familiar."

12. There is nothing better than a hug. Even if he is stinky, and sweaty and in need of a shower. ( I wonder if he will use that new lavender shampoo I just bought?)

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I Love You

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I .....LOVE......YOU.

Three powerful words.

Words that, if spoken with a sincere heart, can make a  huge difference for both the one speaking the words and the one receiving them.

What does it really mean to say "I love you" ?

Is it flowers and candy and jewelery? Is it hearts and cards? Is it a romantic dinner for two? Sure, don't get me wrong, those things are all great. I enjoy beautiful roses, anything coated in chocolate and sparkling rings. I'm a total romantic when it comes to mushy cards and "chick flick" movies. Please pass the Kleenex. I really do love happy endings. They make me smile.

Sure, like I said, those things are great once in a while.....but real love is so much more.

Love is....my husband's smile at me in the morning....even when I have bed head and haven't brushed my teeth yet.

Love is....me getting up early to fix coffee for my husband because I know he likes it.

Love is....hugging my kids and getting hugged in return.....having teens that still love to love their parents.

Love is....my husband shoveling snow, or warming up the van for me before I go to work.

Love is....me doing laundry and cooking meals and cleaning the house for my family. Making home comfortable and warm.

Love is....knowing my husband values me. My opinion counts. He enjoys hanging out with me.

Love is....telling my husband that I think he is the best problem solver around.

Love is....believing my children are awesome and knowing that they will each leave their own special imprint on this world. Letting them know that my world is a better place because they are in it:)

Love is....a card from my mom filled with words of encouragement.

Love is....family members that know my faults and still think I am worthy of their love.

Love is all these things....AND MORE.

Love is also commitment---even when you want to give up. It is holding your tongue when you really believe your opinion is the RIGHT ONE. Love is friendship. Love is choosing to overlook the imperfections and instead, learning to concentrate on the positives. Love is empathy. It is kindness and then treating others how you'd like to be treated. True love has a lot to do with forgiveness and starting over. Love is about second chances and "do-overs".  Love is holding a hand---and sometimes delicately holding a heart. Love is trustworthy and strong. Sometimes love has to be down right tough. Love can even hurt on occasion.

Above all love is a choice.

The greatest love is that of God for each of us. In John 3:16, we are told that "God  SO LOVED the world that HE GAVE His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish but have everlasting life."  Jesus chose to take our place because He loves us. Now that, my friend, is what REAL love is all about. We can love others because He chose to first love us.

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