Row The Boat, Ashore....

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It's raining. A lot. Again.

This Spring has been wet and volatile.

At least there have been no funnel clouds in sight. Yet.

Even though I love to watch the tornado documentaries, I don't want to be IN one.

Just sayin'.

I have to drive two of my kiddos to a town that is an hour away.

For some academic testing.

That happens each year, at this time.

The test proves how brilliant they are.

Really. I'm not lying.

They are.

Of course, they have wonderful teachers.

I love homeschooling:)

Well, I had better go.

Stuff to do before we leave

I hope this trip doesn't call for an ark....or red ruby slippers and a trip to Kansas.

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In The Rearview Mirror

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In chapter 8 of One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp says, "God reveals Himself in rearview mirrors. And I've an inkling that there are times when we need to drive a long, long distance, before we can look back and see God's back in the rearview mirror...Maybe sometimes about as far as heaven ---that kind of distance."

Wow. That statement rocked me. Hard.

I've thought about this a lot, long before I read Ann's words. She just reminded me of it.

In my own life, I can look back and see all the ways that God has loved and provided for me. He has shown patience with me, and forgiven me.  During the good days...and also in the days I slogged through the muck.

It's all His grace.

Looking back...

Both the wise decisions I've made and the poor decisions...consequences I suffered.

People I've lost...tears I've shed. New friendships and relationships.

Drawing close to Him...Him drawing even closer to me.

My life glimmers in the mirror. School, Family, Career, Marriage, Motherhood, Friendships, Homes, Widowhood, Death, Dating, Remarriage, Blended Families, Resigning from teaching, Home School, New House, Moving, Job Loss, New Job.....

The small decisions of the every day, the big decisions that change a life, the happy, the sad, the silly and the profound. All the things that knit together to make my life.

It is when I look in my rearview mirror that I realize God was there.

He's always been there..... It was me. I was the one driving blind.

I must keep my eyes open to see Him.

I'm continuing on this journey, to thank Him in the daily grind. To live fully...right where I'm at.

# 196 It was only the basement that flooded during this rainy weather. It could have been worse...and it wasn't.

# 197 My husband who is good at fixing stuff, in the now muddy and soggy basement. He's trying hard to get this done.

#198 Warm socks on a cold floor.

#199 Conversations with my children.

#200 Letters from the heart.

# 201 Warm quilts

# 202 My favorite wing back chair to read in

#203 An extra spoonful of sour cream

# 204 My son making dinner

# 205 Kindness

It's all eucharisteo to... Him. It's all grace to me.

(Click the multitudes on Mondays --One Thousand Gifts graphic on the ride side of my blog...if you want to read what others are saying!)

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Mud Is Just Wet Dirt

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The snow and ice from the storm a couple of weeks ago, is now melting. The sun is shining today. It almost looks like Spring.

My husband and I had our house built back off the road. About 250 feet off the road. That might not seem like a lot until one realizes that during the warmer spring months, our driveway and yard turn into a huge mud pit. This process has already started. I almost lost a boot today while trudging through the slop. If I wasn't being sucked into the mud, I was trying to not wipe out on the ice spots that are still very slippery.

So begins the mud season. My laundry room literally becomes the mud room. For a room that was built to CLEAN and DRY clothes, I can't even set a basket on the floor because of all the mud and boots laying around. For the next 3 1/2 months I will not even attempt to clean that floor. It is a vain effort to even try.

Now, that we have an indoor dog the mud season poses another huge issue for me. You see, the laundry room can look like the rainy season in the Amazon, but the rest of the house I'd like to TRY and keep half way decent. At least half way. Decent. Sigh.

I have given my son (dog owner) the responsibility of wiping off his dog's feet. So now, he not only walks the dog, but he wipes all four of the doggie paws before passing through the threshold. I have a feeling this is going to be a long springtime.

Life is full of messes, isn't it? If you are anything like me, you are always trying to clean up a mess. Somewhere. On something.

The "nutritional bits" in the dog food, that the dog doesn't really care for...and so picks them all out of the dish and spews them around the kitchen floor. Or the dishes that had to be soaked in the sink because one of my children refuses to put things in the dishwasher until WHATEVER was on the plate is rock hard. Muddy shoes, spilled milk, chaotic rooms, cat fur on the couch and a pile of laundry. Messes. All of them.

On days when I am overwhelmed with the messes of life, I stop. I try and refocus. What is truly important?

So many times I have to remember that this IS life. Life is not clean. It is not neat. It is not neatly pressed....and most of the time it doesn't smell good.

And I take a deep breath.....and if it is a really messy day I hold my breath until I pass out.

 

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Help! I'm Stuck In Frozen Foods

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So, as I mentioned in yesterday's blog post...I got up early and went to the grocery store(s). WalMart at 8:15 in the morning usually is not so busy. Today it WAS! Every body and their brother was schlepping up and down the aisles picking out "stuck in a snowstorm" food. It also did not help my plight any that whoever wasn't shopping for snow food was shopping for Super Bowl food. Get out of my way Super Bowl people!  Put down those chips and cheese dip. I'm on a mission.

I wrestled somebody's grandma to the ground for the last bottle of salsa. Okay, so that is a lie. I didn't really do that. I wouldn't wrestle a grandma for salsa. Ice cream maybe, but not salsa. I have my priorities.

In all seriousness, there were a lot of senior individuals out and about today. I felt sorry for them. They probably believed their early morning shopping routine was being over taken by storm shoppers...and they would be right.

I moved on to the next store. I got there 15 min. after it opened. By the time I got ready to check out, the line was all the way back to the freezer aisle! For the love of Pete! Storm shoppers are a hardy bunch. We are not deterred by long lines! We settled in for the long haul. I was enjoying the sweet scene in front of me. A little boy (about 3 or 4 yrs. old) was shopping with his aunt. I know this because he called her aunt several times. (Call me super sleuth)  He was telling her various stories about  his parents. (one of them had to be this woman's brother or sister) It was a lovely story about how the little boy's mom liked Chinese food and the little boy liked Chinese (the jury is still out on whether Daddy liked it). He asked his aunt if she'd buy him Chinese? She said, "why don't we let mommy and daddy buy that?"  He said okay. "Mommy gets Chinese a lot, because she can't cook it." I smiled. The little guy smiled back. He reminded me of my son when he was 4 years old. He liked to tell stories too. Not about Chinese food, but you get the gist.

The line went quickly. I smiled at the cashier gentleman. I told him that he was very quick with check out and I appreciated that he was smiling and in a good mood even though he was swamped. He laughed. He said, "I expected that we'd we busy, just not this early!"

I got everything stashed and packed in the mini van. I did not drop anything...no cans rolled under the van. Not that, that happens to me. Purely, hypothetical. On the way home I did hear a loud crash and looked to see that a sack of soups fell off the seat and rolled around on the floor near the van's side door. I'm so lucky. Now when I open the van door, all the cans will roll out into the driveway. Sigh. I don't get paid enough for this wife/mom gig. Just sayin'.

The weather people are calling for a monster storm. Snow. Sleet. Freezing Rain. High winds. Some states. even getting tornadoes. Just watch. All this shopping and standing in line and we, here in rural Ohio, probably will end up with an inch of snow. That would be my luck. Whatever. At least I have enough hot chocolate and chips to last the family and me until 2012.

Oh, and by the way, I also have sweet smelling candles to burn...just in case the electricity goes out. (due to ice) We might all be sitting in the dark but, at least it will smell good. Then again apple, cinnamon, and pumpkin spice scented candles might make us hungry. That's where the excessive amounts of chips and salsa comes in. A mom always plans ahead.

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Being A Mom And All That Jazz

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Unless you are a mom,  you might not get this blog,'cause there are some things that only a mom would understand.

To all my mom friends...

1.....Things like walking across the kitchen floor with bare feet, only to discover that you've stepped in something sticky. Not really knowing what it is. And not wanting to know. It's easier not to look.

2. ....Telling the kids to quit arguing in the back seat, or you WILL come back there!!! Even if it entails crawling over the seat and possibly getting strangled by the seat belt. A moms gotta do what a moms gotta do.

3. Understand that anytime you are on the phone a child will need your attention. Said child will do anything to get your attention, WHILE you are trying to have a conversation with the lady that works at the doctor's office. You worry that she might have heard you yell, as you were hanging up the phone, "For the love of all that is good, GET THE UNDERWEAR OFF YOUR HEAD!"

4. "AM I THE ONLY ONE IN THIS HOUSE THAT KNOWS HOW TO CLEAN A DISH?"

5. Trying to appear calm, cool, and collected while your teenage son is driving. Praying that there are no cops around, also hoping that you don't die in a fiery crash, burned to a crisp. Trying to look on the bright side...if that happens at least there will be no newspaper pictures of you.

6. Arm pit noises, burps, and flatulence are not as hysterical as some children seem to think. Hoping against all odds that they have not done any of these things while at other people's houses. If so, you don't want to know about it.

7. Trusting that everyone will graduate before they are 30---wondering why in the world I thought it was a good idea to home educate? 'Cause now the ball falls directly in my court. Ugh.

8. Asking the Lord to already work on their future spouses hearts. "Oh God. Puh-leeze prepare my sons/daughter future spouse for them. I want them each to be blessed with a good marriage. Drop her/him right in their lap if need be. No, seriously God. I mean that. It would be a lot easier that way. Just sayin'."

9. As a mom, I have to squirrel certain food away--if I ever want to see it again. Nothing lasts in a house with three teenagers. I've got rations laid up in the bedroom armoire.

10. Lay down at night and fall dead asleep from sheer exhaustion. Unless someone is up when they aren't supposed to be, then I'm up like a shot because I have ears like a bat.

11. Reminding my children that I have a hot line straight to God. If they ever lie, cheat, steal, hurt someone, do ANYTHING they know they shouldn't...God will TELL ME. I will find out. And I will deal with it.

12. Any child with even an inkling of self preservation, should have a healthy fear of their mother. End of discussion.

13. If you make me cry, you've really done it. How can you hurt me this way? I thought my greatest pain was when I birthed you from my loins! I was wrong. You've crushed me. I don't think I'll ever be the same. ARE YOU FEELING GUILTY YET???

14. "No. I will not really bury you in the backyard. That is just an expression, sweetheart."

15. I expect you to do your laundry. You smell ripe. It wouldn't hurt you to slap on some deodorant either. It's because I love you that I tell you these things.

16. I love you too. I'm glad I'm your mom....Yes, really.

17. It's your turn to clean the toilet in the hall bath. I don't get paid enough (at all) to clean that. Y'alls bathroom looks worse than a truck stop.

18. That is the sweetest thing you've ever done. I love you so much. Come here and get a hug.

19. When did you get so tall? I am still your mother even if I'm standing on a stool to look at you eye to eye.

20. I've got the best kids and I wouldn't exchange them for anything in the world. Well...except for some chocolate. And that's only if its the really, really good stuff. No. Of course, I'm just kidding. You're much better than chocolate. No, I'm not lying for cryin' out loud.

Keep On, Keepin' On, Mamas!!!

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Happy Birthday Mom!

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Today is my mom's birthday.

She was born in 1945. A lot of things happened in 1945....

In the Fall of that year my mom made her appearance. She was the fifth child....Ruth Marie.  Her parents would later add two more children to the family, after my mom, for a grand total of seven. Two boys, five girls.

A great many things have happened since that day in October, sixty-five years ago.

Some good.

Some not so good.

All, a part of life.

Happy Birthday Mom.

This is your day.

A day to celebrate you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Remembering Kennis...

 

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My late husband's brother mentioned to me the other day that this weekend would be difficult for him. You see, my late husband and his brother were twins. Their birthday is this coming Sunday. If my husband had lived he would have been celebrating his 44th birthday. His birthday coming up, has allowed me to remember... I have a picture of him from his 26th birthday. It was him eating a piece of hot fudge cake at Darryl's restaurant in Knoxville, Tennessee. We were newlyweds (2 1/2 months) at the time. Goofy and laughing--with no idea what was ahead for us. I guess it was better that way. The not knowing...

Time went on... and I also remember his last birthday. Kennis and I and our children along with his parents, had gone to a seafood restaurant in Dandridge, Tennessee. We had a good time that night. He was celebrating being 34, in the midst of a chronic illness and an incurable heart disease. I remember us all riding in the car back home. We had a nice evening together. Little did any of us know how soon life as we knew it, would change. I'm glad we didn't know what was ahead of us. I guess it was better that way. The not knowing...

Three weeks later Kennis died. Just 3 weeks into his 34th year....and life changed for all of us that knew and loved him.

Beginnings are scary. Endings are usually sad, but it's what's in the middle that counts. So, when you find yourself at the beginning, just give hope a chance to float up. And it will.

I wrote this blog two years ago as a memorial to Kennis. It was a hard blog entry to write. The memories were very vivid. I still remember them as if they just happened yesterday. It does not seem possible that nearly a decade has gone by.

For those of you that are new readers to my blog, I warn you this blog will be difficult to read.....but, it is me, being real.

In Memory of Kennis---

DISCLAIMER: Be aware that this blog entry will have some things in it that might be difficult or painful to read.

Back in August I did a blog about the memory of my husband’s late wife, Nancy.  Now, it is my turn to do a blog entry about my late husband, Kennis. This Tuesday will not just be election day, but also the day that marks the eighth anniversary of my first husband’s death.  Honestly, I can hardly believe eight years have gone by. It seems like a lifetime ago.

In late October of 2000 I was vacuuming in our living room. Vacuuming like a mad woman. My life was out of control. My husband was chronically ill. He was dying. We had a lot of medical bills. My life revolved around taking care of him….. I was vacuuming and keeping things in order because it was something I had control over…when everything else was so out of control.  On this particular evening my husband said to me in a premonition of what was to come, “Dawn come here and sit with me. The vacuuming can wait. Sit here with me because you know I won’t be here forever. I’m dying.” I in an angry voice replied, ” No, you won’t! I don’t want to hear you talk like that.” ” Yes. Come and sit over here with me.” Little did I know how quickly his words would become my reality……..November 4, 2000 was a Saturday. Kennis was brought to the hospital by me, the afternoon before with extreme pain. (He had a chronic heart condition that he had been diagnosed with the year before at the ripe old age of 32 years and 8 months) He was okay that morning and we talked and laughed. Some of his family visited and we watched the University of Tenn. play against the University of SC. After the game everyone left and it was just the two of us. Things seemed okay… Kennis called me over to his hospital bed, reached his arms up and pulled me close. “You know I love you, right?”, he said in his deep mellow voice. ” Of course”, I replied as I gazed up at him.  Moments later my husband yanked his IV’s out. I didn’t understand. I remember being confused as I stared at the crimson stains on the white hospital sheets….his voice echoing in my head….” I have to get up. I have to get up NOW! I need to exercise. I can’t just lay here. I have to run in the hallway!” I grabbed the nurses button and started screaming, ” Help me! Someone help me, PLEASE! Dear God, HELP ME!” Nurses came running in to Kennis’ room asking him questions like, ” What is your name? Who is the president? What day is it?” Sometimes he answered correctly, sometimes not. I said, “What is the matter with him?” ( I later found out lack of oxygen made him talk out of his mind.) They just shook their heads….and got some new sheets. Kennis laid back down….but not for long. He got back up. He was screaming at me. I KNEW something was terribly, terribly wrong. I screamed again as this time, my husband slumped over in the chair next to his bed.  His eyes rolled back. All I could see was the white of his eyes. At that moment I knew my husband was gone. I stood like a statue staring at him, my feet felt like I had concrete in them. I couldn’t move…even as the nurses and doctors crowded into the room yelling, “He’s coding!” I vaguely remember a nurse leading me to another room on the same floor to wait. As I waited, Kennis’ mother and father arrived. They had no idea what was going on and were escorted to the room I was in.

Much later the emergency room doctor and Kennis’ cardiologist walked in. The emergency room doctor looked directly at me….and I know how hard it must have been for him….”Mrs. Satterfield we lost your husband. I’m so sorry. I worked on him for 45 minutes straight. I couldn’t bring myself to stop even though we could never get a solid heartbeat. I didn’t want to give up because he was so young with a young family. I’m so very sorry.” At first I was confused…you lost him? Where is he at? Then I said, ” you mean he is dead.” I didn’t cry. I actually thanked him for his effort. It was all very strange, that I felt I should be polite. I guess that is the body’s way of coping with extremely painful news. Don’t think. Just do.  Though I was quiet, Kennis’ mom let out the most mournful scream I’ve ever heard. It made the hairs on my arms stand up, like with goosebumps. She slumped on her husband saying, “not my baby boy. not my baby boy. Dear Jesus, why my baby boy?” I remember at that very moment I felt worse for her then I did for myself…I lost my spouse, but she had lost her son. Thinking about our own 5 year old son who at the time was with my mother, I couldn’t begin to imagine the pain of losing a child.

Over the days that followed my family and friends were there to support me. They helped me every step of the way. They helped my son, and me to not feel alone. Life started to be a new kind of normal for us. It wasn’t the same mind you…it never would be the same, but life could be good again. Indeed, it has been good. God, in scripture, told me that He is a defender of widows and a father to the fatherless. He would never leave me. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like if I didn’t know the Lord. My hopelessness was replaced with hope. My grief was replaced with peace. It didn’t happen immediately, and there were days that were difficult…but God carried me through the most difficult times and brought me out on the other side.  Scripture also tells me, and I believe that God allows us to go through certain trials so that we can help others when they are in similar trials. I understand things now that it would have been impossible for me to understand had I not had to walk through the valley.

Shortly after my husband’s funeral I was cleaning in our bedroom. Trying to straighten things up…it was something to do, you know what I mean. I was trying to stay busy. I looked over at our dresser and noticed a piece of paper that I hadn’t seen there before. It was a scripture verse that had been written out in my husband’s own handwriting. I gently picked it up and read the familiar scrawl. This scripture was a message to me. A message from a wonderful and loving God. He gave me this message to read. A message that He had also given Kennis. “However, as it is written: “No eye has seen, no ear has heard, no mind has conceived what God has prepared for those who love Him.” (I Corinthians 2:9) What peace I had after reading that. Thank you Lord.

When I think of my late husband I think of truck driving, and NASCAR, Earnhardt, and baseball caps. Woodworking and cooking. Grill master, canning and apple pies. He loved the University of Tennessee football, and his white pick up truck. He loved his daughters and son. He’d try to fix anything and if he couldn’t then he’d fake it:) I remember trips to the Bahamas, Florida and St. Louis. I remember the week I spent with him in the big rig. (and realized I could never do that! haha.) Memories tucked away in my mind…

My life has changed much since this day...I have gone on living. I am now able to think about Kennis and celebrate his life and all that he was, instead of staying in mourning. God has indeed blessed me and I appreciate each day now, much more than I ever did.

My late husband was very much like the prodigal son of the Bible. When he found out he was going to die, I believe he began to understand God much more. His relationship with Christ changed,  as they walked together through the valley of the shadow of death. Changed in a way that I honestly cannot really understand because I've not been there. Because my husband knew the Lord personally, I have no doubt that he is with Him in heaven. More alive today than he ever was here on earth. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

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Wearing Love On My Sleeve

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Mom. Mother. Mama

Sweet words to a woman's soul.

1. I love my mom.

2. Love

3. Respect

4. Appreciate

5. When my children call me mom I realize...

6. No one else in the world gets that name-

7. From my children.

8. It's special.

9. I admit that sometimes...

10. I wish I could change my name.

11. And run away

12. Far away

13. Because the name Mom holds a lot of responsibility.

14. It's also the name that prefaces a lot of requests.

15. Like, "Mom, can I?"

16. Or, "Mom will you?"

17. Sometimes, "Mom I need..."

18. I threaten to change my name...

19. My kids say they'd find me

20. So, I give in. And stay.

Because all they have to say is, "I love you", and it's all over with.

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In 1983 I Was A Sophomore

When my son was small he asked me, "What is this thing?" ,as he held up a record. "It looks like the biggest CD ever!" As I explained to him what a record was I began to feel like an ancient artifact. For cryin' out loud. Later when he was in school he had to decide where he would like to go if given a time machine. He said, "Way back to the 80's". I wish I could tell you he meant the 1880's...but no, he meant the 1980's. I told him I could tell him anything he wanted to know, just ask. I was there. Aaahhhh...the mind of an 8 year old.

It is now seven years later. He doesn't ask me those questions anymore, but he does say stuff like "back in the day", or "you know Mom, when you were young". It makes me feel so good to hear my son discussing my childhood as if it was during the Stone Ages. Yeah, Fred Flintstone and I were tight.

I tell him that I was fifteen once.  In 1983. A sophomore in high school. Times were good....and if I'm feeling particularly honest, yes, it does seem like a million years ago. I want to know where the time went? When did it sneak up on me? When did I stop listening to music too loud, worried about my fashion sense, had to have the permed hair, read Seventeen magazine, talked to my friends on a REAL phone, and could stay up all night at slumber parties? When was the girl replaced with a woman?

Sometimes I look at my teenage children and I have to smile. They think I'm old. But....I haven't forgotten what it was to be young and goofy.  There are plenty of things I remember...and stories that I will just keep to myself. Thank you very much. My kids aren't going to be with me much longer. Not really. Soon they will be gone, off to discover their new world of young adulthood. Having their own adventures. Meeting new people. Making their own decisions. Part of me wants to sit them down and tell them that they need to pay attention! Don't be stupid. One day they too will be 42 years old, looking back...wondering where the time went. I'm sure my mom felt the same way about me. Knowing my mom, I'd say she did a lot of praying during the 80's.

Sigh. Life is short. It goes  by way to fast. The years fly. One day you are in the drivers seat looking out at the road that lays ahead...and than you find yourself, on occasion, looking in the rear view mirror. Not that you want to go back, because there is still a lot of road ahead to travel, but it is nice to remember.

Truthfully, I wouldn't want to go back to high school. I enjoyed it while there but, each stage of life has had its good points and its bad points. Being in my 40's isn't so bad. I am old enough to be able to share my wisdom with others, and still young enough to have my wits about me. It's a good combination:)

In the meantime, I will discuss with my kids the merits of good personal hygiene, going to bed at a decent time, having a good work ethic and how to cook. Their future spouses will appreciate me.