Time Out

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As a former elementary, special education teacher and at one point a mom of a young son (who is now a teen) I know about time out. I could always tell when a child needed a time out. That wasn't necessarily a bad thing.... most times the child just needed some time away. Time to sit in the beanbag chair and stare out the window. Time to lay down and close one's eyes. Time to breathe. Time to rest.

Why is it always easier to tell when someone else needs a time out to rest and regroup? When it comes to myself, I am terrible about this. Sigh.

I thought when I remarried, after five years of widowhood, that it would be easier. I was going to be able to stay home, home school the children of my now blended family, do the daily household tasks and still have time to rest. Uh huh. What world was I living in? Certainly not reality.

Rest. What is that?

And yet, rest it is something that I crave. I want. I need.

Jesus knows this. He says to each of us, "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

If you are anything like me, you have been led to believe that resting is nonproductive. I could be accomplishing something, instead of resting. I have a mountain of laundry to get done, I need to get the dishes out of the dishwasher, my son needs help with Algebra, my daughter needs to complete her history report, the dog needs brushed, the carpet needs vacuumed, I have a blog to finish and what in the world am I fixing for dinner?!

Rest.

I live in a beautiful part of the country. In 2009 my husband and I moved our family to rural Ohio. He works remotely so we could pick anywhere to live. We picked the country. My favorite place is our front porch. I love to settle down in the Adirondack chair and look down our driveway and across the road. Our neighbors have llamas and I enjoy watching them graze. The baby llamas look like huge, fluffy cotton balls. I can see deer in the field that is diagonal from our property. There is a bright red barn in the distance. The sun blazes across the horizon on that end of the house...and in the evening the sky turns shades of purple and blue. I hear the train whistle in the distance and I hear a dog's muffled bark.

Time slows for me. I breathe deeply.

Rest. Renewal.

Time alone. Time with God. Time to rest in Him.

As I look down our country road this verse comes to my mind....

Jeremiah 6:16  This is what the Lord says: "Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls."

Join me over at The Faith Barista Jam. (Click on the link on the right side of my page) This month we are talking about rest. Don't we all need that?

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The Time Of My Life

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Time is a blessing.

On most days, we feel like there aren't enough hours in the day. We scurry around trying to get all the things checked off on our to do lists. We make appointments, try to squeeze in a few hours of sleep, and work, while we watch the clock. Time doesn't always feel like a blessing. Sometimes time feels like a curse, especially when we feel we don't have enough of it.We are hardly ever satisfied with time.

The other day I was pondering, time. I was thinking about how time has affected me. Changed me. How my whole life is different--and time has played a role in that. On rough, hard days time mercifully brought night and sleep...knowing "this too shall pass".  On other days time brought a beautiful sunrise and the excitement of a new day. There are moments in time that are etched forever in my memory. For good and bad. But time has never stopped.

In 1986, I graduated from high school. I smiled as I walked across the stage to accept my scholarship. I knew that my time in high school was well spent.

In 1990 I graduated from college. I knew my degree would allow me to spend time doing what I loved...teaching.

In 1992 I married in the heat of July in the South. In tons of taffeta and lace. And I wondered to myself, why did I pick this time of year?

In 1994 I found out I was pregnant. Time had a whole new meaning to me...as I waited.

In 1998 when my son was three, I wanted time to slow down. Three years old. It was a great year. I wanted to remember everything. Absolutely everything.

In 1999 my husband was diagnosed with a terminal heart disease. Each moment became important. We began to realize that he would not live to old age. And time seemed cruel.

In 2000, when the emergency doctors and nurses yelled, "Code Blue" time stood still. I felt as if I was caught in a slow motion machine. Unable to move as the medical personnel swarmed my husband.

After the funeral, evenings became long...not sure how to fill my time. A new kind of normal.

Five years of widowhood. I realized time doesn't stop for anyone...and my son and I were going to be okay. Time was therapeutic.

December 2005 . Remarriage. Vows.  A new life. Time seemed promising.

Teenagers in the house...not many years left with them before they move on to their own independence. Time seems to be moving at warp speed.

My husband and I in our 40's. Within the next decade, facing the "empty nest". Time has possibilities.

And here I sit. On January 13, 2011. A new year is just beginning. I have no idea what it will hold for me. It's kind of exciting, and a little scary.

Because time stops for no one.

 

 

 

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Time Doesn't Stop

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As I was getting ready this morning, a thought struck me. I don't know why this particular thing hit me, on this particular morning....but, it did.

10 years.

A decade.

I'll be 52 then.

That's all true...but, what really hit me is that my kids will be gone. Gone. Gulp.

I talk a lot about my teens. How they are loud, funny, stinky, cute, silly, intelligent, serious, and all around goof balls. I sing the joy of the "empty nest". And yes, I do think I will enjoy that part of life.

Just not today. I practically burst into tears thinking that 10 years from now I will have two 25 year olds and a 29 year old. Sniff.

I really don't have that much time left.Truth be told...they are almost to adulthood right now.

And I will miss them.

A lot.

My 15 year old son was just 5, ten years ago. A mere baby. A kindergartner. We had just buried his father the month before. He dealt with a lot for only being 5. I think back over the last 10 years and how quickly time has gone by.

Then I think of how quickly the next 10 years will go by...

Graduation, college, jobs, career, marriage....maybe even grand babies.

I don't know if I'm ready for the next 10 years.

I want time to slow down for a little while. Please?

More time for holding them close, more time for hugs, and kisses.....More time for goofiness before the responsibilities of life set in....More time of just being together.

 

 

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Moments In Time

I found out a couple of weeks ago that a friend of mine from college passed away. He was just two years older than I am. Two years. That's it. I'm sure that morning  he didn't  expect that he would be meeting the Lord face to face in a few short hours. When I saw his name in the obituaries, memories flooded back from my college days. Days my classmates and I thought would last forever. Days that end...sometimes much sooner than expected.

I have recently been asked to speak at my church's, ladies luncheon. I had been considering what to speak about. So many thoughts swirled around in my head...a million different ideas. After hearing about my friend, I started to think about my time here on earth.....and really, not just my time. OUR time. Each of us has a set amount of days. Only God knows how many there are for each of us. It got me to thinking about what my legacy will be? How will I be remembered? I've thought about this before and I think I might have blogged about it at sometime in the past. It's a hard question. To be honest, I don't think most people really want to think about it. It's deeply personal, but also a little scary. "What will YOUR legacy be?"

I'm sitting here in my home library/office. My desk and walls are filled with pictures. I love pictures. I have pictures of my son at age two. Again at age six. Pictures of my teens dressed in their Sunday clothes with smiles on their faces. The kids at a competition. My husband and I at our wedding. My grandmother when she was in her twenties. Pictures that have meaning to me. Memories. Pieces of my life, past and present, quilted together. While gazing at my pictures, it occurred to me that one day my kids will be looking at pictures of me. I will be gone. No longer here. What will they remember about me? Of course, after everything has been sifted through I like to believe that when they think about me they will have good memories. Not perfect memories...because, I'll be honest...I'm not perfect. I am so far from perfect that it's not even a dot in the rear view mirror of life. So, memories of perfection are not what my legacy is going to be about. Ever.

I believe it is our imperfections that give life meaning. You might be thinking, "Why does she want to talk about imperfections? What good is that? Does she really want to be remembered for those???"  Yes....well, at least some of them. When I sometimes get impatient with my own children, and yell at them in frustration...it humbles me. It is because of that, I am able to have empathy with another mom who is going through a trial with her own children. When I struggle to keep my opinion to myself about something my spouse did (or didn't do)...and sometimes fail...it humbles me. It allows me to go to him later and say, "I'm sorry". When I stomp my foot and shake my fist at the unfairness of life and then realize I'm not God...it humbles me. Then I can go to Him in prayer, study His letter (the Bible) to me and understand that He still loves me, even when I make daily messes of things.

Ultimately, I want my legacy to be one of relationships. Did having known me change anyone's life? Did I make a mark on things? Did I tell others by my words and actions that Jesus Christ is central in my life? That it is HE that made all the difference? Without HIM I am nothing. That is the truth. I don't say that to denigrate myself, I say it because I'm being honest. All the good and lovely things that people could say about me after I'm gone, are nothing compared to the good and truly wonderful things that Christ did (and does) for me. For us.  He is what makes my life enjoyable. My relationship with Him. Life is never easy for any of us. I'll tell you something, I've dealt with some sad things in my life. Even in the midst of my worst times, when I was ragged and worn out emotionally...He did not leave me. Or give up on me.  I hope my legacy will be one, where I took the spotlight off myself and shone it on the One who deserves it the most.