A Life Worth Living

I believe that I've mentioned in previous posts that I will be speaking at my church's ladies luncheon. This event happens in just a few weeks. Time has gone by rather quickly and I am not fully prepared. I have the ideas in my head, the outline....but, I have to fill in the meat, so to speak. As you all well know I like to tell a good story. I enjoy details and sometimes get side tracked....that is the most difficult part of speaking. I get caught up in the story and forget where I'm headed. I need to focus:)

What will my story be?

It all started when..... Nah.

Once upon a time....Uh, no.

In a galaxy far, far away....Definitely not.

Hmmmm...... What IS my story???? And how am I going to help a roomful of ladies figure out theirs?

As much as women have in common, things that unite us.....motherhood, friendships, being a daughter, a wife, having a family... we all are also unique. The stories are each as different as the grains of sand on the beach. Not one is a carbon copy of another.

As a child I was the the compliant one. The people pleaser. Everybody's friend. A good listener. A loyal friend. A voracious reader. Good grades. A volunteer. I saw life in vivid detail---as I am a visual creature. I still see life that way. I love color and symmetry. I am aesthetic to the core. I see the beauty is architecture and in the stars. I enjoy the coziness of a new pair of socks, and also enjoy how my books all line up on the shelf. I enjoy people. My very analytical, problem solving, "please get to the point",  husband does not always understand me. I think I frustrate him sometimes because I like to elaborate on the details of how I "see" things and he wants the bottom line. The bottom line, to me, is not near as much fun.....so, I loop de loop through my story until I finally reach the end. He is exhausted and I am energized. God made us each different. That is what makes each person so interesting and exciting.....if we were all the same, how boring would that be? That is where the story begins......

"God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them......God saw all that he made and it was very good." (Genesis 1:27, 31) God in His infinite wisdom created each of us. Each child that is born-- He knows. From the first breathe, until the last. He gave us our personalities. He delights in us. Much like a parent delights in watching his/her child as he/she grows, God must enjoy watching His creations. We are not perfect. We are sinners of the highest degree....but, He loves us. So, our stories each begin with HIM.

I had a good childhood by most people's standards. I grew up in a rural county of Maryland in a house surrounded with corn and soybean fields, and the occasional run away cattle. I was away from the hustle and bustle of Baltimore and Washington D.C.  I grew up surrounded by family members that loved me, went to the same church for the entirety of my growing up years, had friends, rode my bike, had regular family get togethers for birthdays, did well in school and graduated with awards and scholarships. I went on to a private, Christian, liberal arts college in the south. I graduated with a Bachelor of Science degree in Special Education. Exactly what I wanted to do, exactly how I wanted it, graduated on time, surrounded by family and friends...... indeed, life was good.

Up to that point, I would say life had been pretty good. (with the exceptions of losing all my grandparents by the time I graduated from college--but, I was blessed with many happy memories of each of them) Life was an adventure and I was ready to set sail.

In the two decades that were to follow God would write my story in a way that I could never have for seen....and to be honest I'm glad I couldn't see it, because if I had known what lie ahead of me....I might have turned and ran. I'm not necessarily the bravest soul on the face of the earth. I find it difficult to smoosh a big spider with my shoe, much less face some of life's darkest hours. Just like me, I'm sure that many of you that are reading my blog have had to face your own giants. Things that seemed so big, and so scary that your breathe caught in your throat, your heart pounded in your ears, and the tears spilled like a torrent that you thought might never end. A cry came from deep within your soul...a place that only you and God even know exists.

Almost always our stories have some joy in them. A marriage, the birth of a child, anniversaries, meaningful friendships, families that love us unconditionally,  exciting vacations, fulfilling careers....things that give us purpose, make us happy, things we love. I have been blessed to have all these things in my life.

As much as I love these parts of my story....and they have truly brought me unexplainable joy, it would be wrong of me to not mention the darker side of my story. As with most people, it seems that it is during the darker times of life that I learn the most. The easy times of life I am able to coast through, the darker times cause me to have to struggle, work my muscles, and yes.....at times to give up. I fall in a heap at my Savior's feet. Utterly used up and exhausted from the strenuous climb through the dark valley.  Job loss. Death of my spouse. A father who chose to take his own life. Broken relationships. Mistakes that affected others. These things are a part of my story. They are each a piece of my life. Whether I like it or not. Whether it hurts or not.....it is part of me.

All of the good and the bad mixed together make me. How I choose to deal with these experiences is what makes my legacy. Too many  good experiences make one lazy, and spoiled. There is no joy in a life where everything is handed to you. There is no hope when all one has known is sunshine. There is no appreciation for salvation if one does not recognize the darkness in their own heart.  The dark times cause struggle, but they also cause determination, they cause pain but also courage, they can make us bitter or make us better. The choice is ours to make.

What kind of legacy do you want people to remember about you? When you have breathed your last, what will others say about you? Will your words be carried in someone's heart? Or left in your own, buried along with you?  My desire is that my story will shine in the lives of those that know me. Not as a perfect life...but, as a life that was worth living. I hope my words, both spoken and written will fill my family's hearts and minds for generations after I am gone. I long to give my children the hope that so lovingly was given to me.  A hope that only comes from knowing the Lord. I want others to know I spent my life pointing at Jesus. This life was never really about me. I am grateful for it...and I have been blessed by it....but, when it all comes down to it...it is all about HIM.

That is a legacy and a story worth writing about.

Moments In Time

I found out a couple of weeks ago that a friend of mine from college passed away. He was just two years older than I am. Two years. That's it. I'm sure that morning  he didn't  expect that he would be meeting the Lord face to face in a few short hours. When I saw his name in the obituaries, memories flooded back from my college days. Days my classmates and I thought would last forever. Days that end...sometimes much sooner than expected.

I have recently been asked to speak at my church's, ladies luncheon. I had been considering what to speak about. So many thoughts swirled around in my head...a million different ideas. After hearing about my friend, I started to think about my time here on earth.....and really, not just my time. OUR time. Each of us has a set amount of days. Only God knows how many there are for each of us. It got me to thinking about what my legacy will be? How will I be remembered? I've thought about this before and I think I might have blogged about it at sometime in the past. It's a hard question. To be honest, I don't think most people really want to think about it. It's deeply personal, but also a little scary. "What will YOUR legacy be?"

I'm sitting here in my home library/office. My desk and walls are filled with pictures. I love pictures. I have pictures of my son at age two. Again at age six. Pictures of my teens dressed in their Sunday clothes with smiles on their faces. The kids at a competition. My husband and I at our wedding. My grandmother when she was in her twenties. Pictures that have meaning to me. Memories. Pieces of my life, past and present, quilted together. While gazing at my pictures, it occurred to me that one day my kids will be looking at pictures of me. I will be gone. No longer here. What will they remember about me? Of course, after everything has been sifted through I like to believe that when they think about me they will have good memories. Not perfect memories...because, I'll be honest...I'm not perfect. I am so far from perfect that it's not even a dot in the rear view mirror of life. So, memories of perfection are not what my legacy is going to be about. Ever.

I believe it is our imperfections that give life meaning. You might be thinking, "Why does she want to talk about imperfections? What good is that? Does she really want to be remembered for those???"  Yes....well, at least some of them. When I sometimes get impatient with my own children, and yell at them in frustration...it humbles me. It is because of that, I am able to have empathy with another mom who is going through a trial with her own children. When I struggle to keep my opinion to myself about something my spouse did (or didn't do)...and sometimes fail...it humbles me. It allows me to go to him later and say, "I'm sorry". When I stomp my foot and shake my fist at the unfairness of life and then realize I'm not God...it humbles me. Then I can go to Him in prayer, study His letter (the Bible) to me and understand that He still loves me, even when I make daily messes of things.

Ultimately, I want my legacy to be one of relationships. Did having known me change anyone's life? Did I make a mark on things? Did I tell others by my words and actions that Jesus Christ is central in my life? That it is HE that made all the difference? Without HIM I am nothing. That is the truth. I don't say that to denigrate myself, I say it because I'm being honest. All the good and lovely things that people could say about me after I'm gone, are nothing compared to the good and truly wonderful things that Christ did (and does) for me. For us.  He is what makes my life enjoyable. My relationship with Him. Life is never easy for any of us. I'll tell you something, I've dealt with some sad things in my life. Even in the midst of my worst times, when I was ragged and worn out emotionally...He did not leave me. Or give up on me.  I hope my legacy will be one, where I took the spotlight off myself and shone it on the One who deserves it the most.