Growth Can't Always Be Measured With A Ruler

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I still have a long way to go.

Growing. Stretching. Absorbing. Changing.

Some days I think I've got it all together. Whatever "it" is. I've got it all figured out. I'm on top of things.

Other days I know I don't. I wonder if I ever did.

I look at other people. I think maybe their lives are right. And good.

Even if they aren't.

I measure myself.

I come up short.

I want more.

More of what is good. More of what makes me happy. More of things going my way.

More. More. More.

Ungrateful.

The dark emotion washes over me like the cold waves of a surly ocean. I am overcome.

I breathe deeply. I don't really like this place.

I snip at my kids, ignore my husband, don't even want to pet the dog.

Who am I?

I breathe again.

Ann Voskamp reminds me in chapter 8. I know this woman's words are a gift to me from God Himself. There is no other explanation. God speaks in many ways--and sometimes it is through a Canadian woman, a farmer's wife, a home schooling mom of six. I am humbled.

On page 143, her words sear through me. Cutting me. Straight to the place that oozes with the ungrateful. The worry. The stress. The parts of myself that I don't like to show.

"Anxiety has been my natural posture, my default stiffness.  How I angle my jaw, braced, chisel, the brow with the lines of distrust. How I don't fold my hands in prayer...weld them into tight fists of control...... Do I hold worry close as this ruse of control, this pretense that I'm the one who will determine the course of events as I stir and churn and ruminate? Worry is the facade of taking action when prayer really is. And stressed, this pitched word that punctuates every conversation, is it really my attempt to prove how indispensable I am? Or is it more? Maybe disguising my deep fears as stress seems braver somehow."

And on page 146, " Stress isn't only a joy stealer. The way we respond to it can be sin." ......"I've got to get this thing, what it means to trust, to gut-believe in the good touch of God toward me, because it's true: I can't fill with joy until I learn how to trust: 'May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow." (Romans 15:13)

I breathe again.

And I work on giving thanks. I need to give thanks. I must give thanks.

In order to see.

#155  Rainy days

#156 Warm light spilling through the kitchen

#157  Green showing through melted snow

# 158  Children laughing

 

 

 

 

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Feeling Time

On occasion, I can hear time. The sound is faint, a whisper.  The sound of moments that I have been ignoring in order to rush through my days. My perspective was all messed up. For me, who has been through some perspective changing life altering moments, one would think I'd remember. Yet, I forget. Forget what is truly important. Forget how quickly time melts away. Forget to savor the here and now.

My eyes and ears are opened now, to catch a fleeting glimpse of eternity. In the grit of my today...time slows.  When I stop, to be fully in the moment, thanking God for even the smallest of gifts, I am forced to slow down. Breathe. Enjoy. Savor.

God is good. He gave me beautiful gifts this morning.

* The reflection of the sun's rays bouncing from behind a cloud. The sunlight spilling out from an opening in the cloud, causing a rainbow of golden colors. An amazing sight. Thank you God for beauty.

* A hug from my son. His arms around me. Long, slender arms...full of young man strength. Hugs that I will miss, when he is a fully grown man and is gone... out to discover the world on his own. Thank you God for making me a mommy.

* My husband, hair tousled in sleep. Eyes closed, breathing soft. Thanking God.

* The sunlight splattered on the foyer wall. Swirling light.

* The hum of the refrigerator. When we first moved in after the building process, we didn't have a refrigerator (left it in the house we sold). I never appreciated my refrigerator, until I didn't have one. Thank you God for food and for refrigeration. Thank you for provision.

* The smell of the morning air. Pregnant with the aromas of mud and country.

As most of you know, I am reading Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts. Her words challenge me with each chapter read. If I take her God inspired words to heart, I will continue to change.

In chapter four she states, "I just want time to do my one life well."  Isn't that what we each want?  But you might be thinking, time stops for no one. Life is a rush. So much to do...so little time. It is a choice. A decision. If we each choose to stop, meet God in the moment, time can slow. Thankfulness, appreciation can do that.

My fingers tap out sounds on my keyboard. I hear my son clear his throat. I see the blueness of the sky reflected on my computer screen. I smile as I notice the fur that I need to sweep from the floor. God is so big...and yet, He is so small. He is right here, present, in this moment.

 

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Do I Want To Change The Story?

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I have mentioned that I am reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. After going through the first chapter, and discussing it with the book club, here are some of my insights.

Even if you haven't read the book, I'm sure you can relate.

(pg. 14) "Does God really love me? If He truly, deeply loves me, why does He withhold that which I believe will fully nourish me? Why do I live in this sense of rejection, of less than, of pain? Does He not want me to be happy?

I admit I have that thought sometimes. On days that I presume that I know so much more than God, I'm sure that my plan will work. If He would only allow me to have my way, everything would work out for me. I would live happily ever after. Doesn't He love me enough to let me do this on my own? Why can't He just let me? Doesn't He want me to be happy?

In my mind I have it figured out, but....in my heart I don't really feel it. My heart knows that I am not capable of writing my own story. I am the same one who is scared of mice, burns toast, and is directionally challenged. I can't handle the most basic things of life and I know I am helpless to even try with the harder things. I fail. Without Him, I fail. Every. Single. Time.

And yet, I still want the control. The ability to run my story, my way. I want to stamp my life with, I CAN. I WILL. I KNOW. I DID. I want to be in the driver's seat of my own destiny. My life map spread out before me. MY voice, the one giving directions through the GPS of my story.

My hubris knows no bounds.

(pg. 15) "Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other."

If I'm completely honest with myself. Really honest...isn't that how I feel? How about you?

The life we live, is hardly the life we planned. We wonder if there isn't something more in the 24 hours a day? When years turn into decades, do we look back with gratitude? Or grief?Peace or regret?

(pg. 21) As Mrs. Voskamp tells the story of her brother-in-law, a man and his wife that lost two of their young sons to a genetic disease. She struggled with her nephew's deaths. She told this grieving father, if it were up to her....she would write the story differently. He replied, "Just that maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds."

It's true. I don't know what the ending holds.

God does. He knows.

I could attempt my own story. I could fight. I could scratch and claw my way through life. Constantly grabbing back, what I feel is mine to have. Wishing...screaming....for things to be different.

If I do that, I will miss the things. The small things. The every day things. The things that bring joy. If my eyes are riveted, by pride, to all I do not have, I will completely miss all that I do have. I will miss all the ways that God has said yes to me. There is peace and joy in the every day...if I deliberately take the time to see it. And thank God for it.

 

 

 

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A Dare To Live Fully

The postman delivered my book last evening. The book, written by Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts. I was so excited to receive it.  Despite all the snow and ice on the roads the postman got it to me.

I read the first chapter and into the second. I wanted to be prepared for the video book club that starts today. To be able to discuss. To share.

Mrs. Voskamp is an author who has the skill of a surgeon, her words cut through me like a knife. From the very beginning, she challenged me...caused me to consider.

How do we live in a world full of pain, in the shadows of what should have been? How do we live a life of thankfulness in the midst of it all?

Radical gratitude. Not what you might think.

 

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One Thousand Gifts

A couple of days ago I blogged about Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts. I mentioned that I was taking "the dare". I'm daring to live fully right where I'm at. Right here. Right now. Just as I am.

Sometimes a word, a thought, a book resonates with me in a deep and profound way.  It touches me in a way that I could not have imagined beforehand, causing me to have an "a ha" moment(s). A different way of thinking. A different way of living.

That is just how God works in my life. More often than not, when I'm least expecting it, He shares with me. In the midst of my day, He meets me. Just where I'm at. He sees me as I move throughout my day and bids me to come and sit at His feet for awhile. Just to be with Him.

Jesus...His calming voice, in the storms of my day.

Jesus...His touch that heals my heart.

Jesus...His love that renews my spirit.

His gifts to me are numerous. Writing each gift down and listing them all, one by one, causes me to focus. I am more keenly aware of His presence in my life as I list the ways He shows me that He loves me. Nothing I list is too small nor  too big. God is so good to me.

Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows. (James 1:17 NIV)

Each moment becomes a time of worship, to thank Him.

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