Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts
Showing posts with label grief. Show all posts

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Gentlemen, Start Your Engines!



[caption id="" align="alignright" width="260" caption="Image via Wikipedia"]Dale Earnhardt's (#3 car) fatal crash in Turn ...[/caption]


Isn't it interesting how certain events in life stand out as a pivotal moment? I see the scene played out in my mind's eye, as if it just happened yesterday.

I was sitting on the floor in front of the television on that Sunday afternoon, 10 years ago. I was a new widow, still in the beginning stages of grief, as I watched the Daytona 500 that year. Alone. My husband who had been a huge Dale Earnhardt fan, got me hooked on NASCAR from the time we had first started dating. Everyone knew his devotion to #3. Now, I was the one watching the race....cheering for Dale Sr. in the confines of my living room, even as I mourned the death of my husband who had been his biggest fan. It was almost therapy for me....as in my mind, the two men were intertwined. The man and the fan.

In the last lap of the Daytona 500, Earnhardt was in second place behind Michael Waltrip. Things were looking good. Then it happened. The black car smashed into the wall. In the blink of an eye...it was over. Dale didn't emerge from his car.

I had to leave to go to evening church, not knowing if the Intimidator was even alive. I remember after the service the pastor quietly said, "I was just informed that Mr. Earnhardt did not survive the crash this afternoon. He is gone. Let's say a prayer for his family."

Gone. Not coming back. Even though I did not know this racing legend personally, to me he was a symbol of something  shared with my late husband. His death was another loss. Painful and all consuming.

The 2011 NASCAR season starts this Sunday, in the race at Daytona. A lot has happened in the ten years since the tragic accident where "the man in black" lost his life. Much has changed. In NASCAR....and with me.

The paths we walk in this life, don't come with maps. We don't have tour guides and we have no idea what the future holds. We like to think we do, but the future could change in a split second....we are not the ones in control.

I don't presume to know the state of Mr. Earnhardt's eternal soul, but when he got into his car that afternoon, I'm pretty sure he had no idea that he was going to be stepping into eternity by the time the race was over. I pray he was ready.

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith."  2 Timothy 4:7

 

 

Monday, February 7, 2011

Do I Want To Change The Story?



[caption id="" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Image via Wikipedia"]Photo of TomTom Go 500[/caption]


I have mentioned that I am reading One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. After going through the first chapter, and discussing it with the book club, here are some of my insights.

Even if you haven't read the book, I'm sure you can relate.

(pg. 14) "Does God really love me? If He truly, deeply loves me, why does He withhold that which I believe will fully nourish me? Why do I live in this sense of rejection, of less than, of pain? Does He not want me to be happy?

I admit I have that thought sometimes. On days that I presume that I know so much more than God, I'm sure that my plan will work. If He would only allow me to have my way, everything would work out for me. I would live happily ever after. Doesn't He love me enough to let me do this on my own? Why can't He just let me? Doesn't He want me to be happy?

In my mind I have it figured out, but....in my heart I don't really feel it. My heart knows that I am not capable of writing my own story. I am the same one who is scared of mice, burns toast, and is directionally challenged. I can't handle the most basic things of life and I know I am helpless to even try with the harder things. I fail. Without Him, I fail. Every. Single. Time.

And yet, I still want the control. The ability to run my story, my way. I want to stamp my life with, I CAN. I WILL. I KNOW. I DID. I want to be in the driver's seat of my own destiny. My life map spread out before me. MY voice, the one giving directions through the GPS of my story.

My hubris knows no bounds.

(pg. 15) "Our fall was, has always been, and always will be, that we aren't satisfied in God and what He gives. We hunger for something more, something other."

If I'm completely honest with myself. Really honest...isn't that how I feel? How about you?

The life we live, is hardly the life we planned. We wonder if there isn't something more in the 24 hours a day? When years turn into decades, do we look back with gratitude? Or grief?Peace or regret?

(pg. 21) As Mrs. Voskamp tells the story of her brother-in-law, a man and his wife that lost two of their young sons to a genetic disease. She struggled with her nephew's deaths. She told this grieving father, if it were up to her....she would write the story differently. He replied, "Just that maybe...maybe you don't want to change the story, because you don't know what a different ending holds."

It's true. I don't know what the ending holds.

God does. He knows.

I could attempt my own story. I could fight. I could scratch and claw my way through life. Constantly grabbing back, what I feel is mine to have. Wishing...screaming....for things to be different.

If I do that, I will miss the things. The small things. The every day things. The things that bring joy. If my eyes are riveted, by pride, to all I do not have, I will completely miss all that I do have. I will miss all the ways that God has said yes to me. There is peace and joy in the every day...if I deliberately take the time to see it. And thank God for it.