Whew! It's Crazy Out There

I know my blogging has been kind of hit or miss lately. I apologize. I've just been extremely busy. Really. Half the time I don't even remember my own name. (Maybe I should start wearing a name tag...that might help.)

On Saturday we realized that we were out of cat litter, so you know what that means? Yes, another trip to Walmart. I had just gone on Thursday and had no desire to go back. It is crazy out there people! BUT when faced with the stinkiness possibilities of what would happen without the necessary cat litter I decided to venture back out into the foray.  I bribed um...suggested that the kids come with me. It would be our family outing for the day.

Now, normally Walmart is no big deal. Everybody "does" Walmart, right? RIGHT??!!! Stay focused people! Stick with the story. Walmart in November and December is my personal torture adventure. First of all I don't want to have to lug a thousand pound container of cat litter around so I grab a cart. Well, I say grab a cart but we all know how the carts are at this beloved place. The cart guy has smashed them together so tight that I practically need the jaws of life to pry them apart. After working up a sweat and running over my foot I managed to get a cart. This would have been fine had it not shot out from my yanking and pulling at NASCAR speed. I would have felt really badly if I had given the little old lady standing near me, a concussion when the rouge cart ran her over. As it was she gave me "the look". You know the evil eye mom look. Hey, she's just lucky she doesn't have tire tracks running down her front. Hmmpppffff!

So, now that I've got the cart we are off! My adrenaline has kicked in after the cart debacle. I look down the long main aisle. I see a mass of humanity before me. All of them running around like ants. My mission is to get to the pet section without any bodily harm accidents.  I am the queen of the obstacle course. I have been known to take the cart on two wheels if necessary. The Great Cart Crash of '04 doesn't count! At this point the kids pretend they don't know me....you think I let this phase me? NO. I just yell their name louder until they are forced to admit that I am indeed the one that they are riding home with. They have threatened to look into witness protection and relocation. I don't understand what their problem is.

When at Walmart one can never just buy the one thing she came for. Is that even possible? In the process of picking up a really snuggly blanket that is marked way down....what is wrong with it? a young child comes shootin' out of the aisle behind me. He is going 100 m.p.h. with his hair on fire. Not really people...that is an expression. Good grief! He whizzed by me so fast that he was just a blur. Where are his zoo keepers parents? You know if you knock a child down (even if you're just standing there and the little tazmanian devil runs into YOU) everyone will look at you like it's your fault. I kept my eyes open for little Taz just incase he decided to whip around the corner and nail me.

At this point I've lost my own children. They are too old to sit in the cart with me. (Fine, 13 is a little old for that....but maybe an electronic tracking device is in order?) While I am not looking for my kids I get side tracked in the toy aisle. I have always been the one who likes to push all the buttons that say TRY ME. I can't help it. Did you know that there is a baby doll now that brushes her teeth, pee pees in the potty among other things and then sings about it. I was listening to her for the fourth first time and was completely taken with her. I would have bought her for someone if she didn't cost a million forty bucks. As I came around the corner (always dangerous) I heard a loud roar. It was a dinosaur. A dinosaur that young children can ride. It moves. There is also a pony. I don't remember this kind of stuff when I was a kid. How unfair sweet!

I eventually find my children in the electronics department. Really, I knew that. They are always there. My son is being a rock star on Guitar Hero and my daughter is looking for a computer game. I tell them it is time to go. NOW. I can't take the noise, clutter, insanity holiday cheer any longer.

After making it through the check out line and safely through the parking lot we all get in the car. I start the car and begin to slowly back out. Just about the time I'm half way into the aisle a bright red SUV comes barreling  through the parking lot. He  just about takes the back end off of my car. My daughter yells, " that little boy in the SUV just flipped us off."  What can I say?  I tell her he obviously wasn't brought up very well and to just ignore his choice of communication.

I just love the torture holiday shopping frenzy.  Time to go home and stay there!!!!