I have had several people ask me about my last post. They worried that I was not okay. The truth is, the day I wrote that particular entry, I was really down in the dumps. Obviously. Over the past year there has been a lot going on in my life, and the life of my family. (for my readers who don't know... this past year has consisted of: building a house out of state then having the house market tumble, my husband losing his job of 22.5 years right in the middle of our new house project, being unable to find a new job ANYWHERE--both my husband and I are college educated and neither can find a job, me hydroplaning during a storm and totaling my car, a flooded basement, the IRS telling us we made a mistake 2 years ago and we owe thousands of dollars WITH interest---there have been other things, but these are the major)
So, the day I wrote my last post I was feeling really bad. Lost. I was wondering why God was silent and where was He at anyway???? Doesn't He care that I'm in pain? Doesn't He care that we could lose everything? Isn't He concerned about the terrible, daily stress we are all under? Didn't He say He LOVED ME???
I will be honest. I've really struggled with our situation. I have been a Christian for 30 years of my 41 years of life. I've been through many situations in my life's journey that have been difficult. Yes, even painful. But, God has seen me through. Yes, I know He loves me. He proved that by allowing His only Son to take my place and because of that I will not receive what I truly deserve. That alone should change my perspective. Thank you Lord for NOT giving me, what I so rightly deserve. Thank you for Your loving plan of salvation.
But....unfortunately my human nature takes over. I become selfish....and stubborn. Both things which, those of you who intimately know me, know I'm very good at. It is easy, when things are going well, to believe that this life is all about me. God chose to bless me because I'm such a good person. I try to live a good life. I try not to hurt others. I follow the rules. The truth is, and this is hard to admit....but my heart is as black as the darkest night. Left to my own devices I would choose what made ME happy, what I liked, did what I wanted to do. It would be all about me. Truth is, it is easy for me to fall into the selfish trap. When things don't go the way that I planned I become stubborn. FINE! If I'm going to be treated this way, God, then I'm going to cross my arms and sit here until YOU fix it. So there!!! And God said, "Okay. I love you too much to allow you to sit there and pout......but, Dawn it's not about you. It's NEVER been about you. It's always been about ME. "
I'm currently rereading a book by Max Lucado entitled IT'S NOT ABOUT ME. In the very beginning of the book He discusses how we should be "sun reflectors" .....in the same way as the moon reflects the suns light. The moon has no light of it's own, it only reflects the light of the sun. Without the sun the moon is nothing but a dark, pitted rock. But, with the sun it makes the night time beautiful. With the sun, it shines.
This life can be difficult for sure. It has it's ups and downs. The journey can be long and at least some of the time unpredictable and scary. But I need to remember that none of this is about me. It's all about HIM. God never allows anything to happen without reason. He sees the whole big picture, while I am left to only see life one moment at a time. Just because I don't understand it...doesn't mean that it isn't right.
So, I'm working on being a SON-reflector. My hope is that through all this, when others look upon me they see HIM.