Monday, July 13, 2009

My Alter Ego

Most of you know me as Dawn. Forty-one year old wife and mom to three teens.  Christian,  former special education teacher--now home schooler, conservative talk radio listener, and sweet tea addict.  This is pretty much me in a nutshell. What you don't know is that for the last 10 years I have had an alter ego. Her name is Lou-rraine. (with a southern twang) Lourraine is the "southern" mama that resides in all (okay, most) of us. She has been making "visits" since around the time my son started kindergarten. Lourraine isn't around all the time, but she does enjoy making appearances whenever possible. She is quite the ham when left to her own devices.

Years ago, when riding in the car,  Lourraine would sometimes say things like, "Oh yuck. Road kill ahead. I hope I can straddle what's left of that there opposum because I don't want guts on my clean tires."  To which my young son would make loud gagging noises in the back seat.

Or when my son would do something disobedient and Lourranine would say, "Son, I know I'm speakin' English here. And I know you been taught English yer whole life. So stop looking at me with that perplexed look on your I'm speaking some foreign language. Son...Son?...SON!!! Are you paying attention?!"

Or "If I told you once I told you fifty million times do not eat old food that you find in the couch cushions. Lord help me! Don't ya know that you can get some sort of black, hairy tongue disease if you eat an old stale cheeto or hard as a rock M&M? That is plumb disgusting. What? You already ate it? Well, if your tongue starts growing fur, don't say I didn't warn you."

Or one of Lourraine's great lines: "Listen your mama and daddy didn't raise you to act the fool. You get in there and you mind your manners and make me proud. Do I look like I care if everyone else is doing it? I am not their mother. I am YOUR mother......the good Lord gave me YOU to raise. I intend to do a good job of it. This is serious business.  And when you go in there remember this---GOD IS WATCHING YOU, and He will tell me if you misbehave. God and I talk about you. Just you remember that."

Now, many years went by and like I said Lourraine made periodic visits, that usually ended up in fits of giggles and "mommy do that funny voice again".  When I married Scott and became step mom to his two children, well they had never met Lourraine. She was a tad nervous to just prance around in front of she was a southern lady and all.  But as time would have it, one day she popped out of nowhere. My new family found her to be quite hilarious...crazy....but funny none the less. They embraced her eccentricities... like they had a choice:)

On a trip this past fall we, as a family, decided that Lourraine needed to meet a family member that because Scott and I had only been married for 3 1/2 years, she had not met yet. The whole family would be in on it.   When the family burst into through the door after our long journey to visit, hugs were had by all. After all the "nice to meet you's" Lourraine said, "I tried to get Scott to stop by the side of the road and strap the dead deer to the roof of the van. I thought the least we could do while visiting is provide a meal. You see some people see road kill on the side of the road and think "ewww", but we see road kill and think "fast food". Plus I think the antlers would make a real spiffy addition to the front of the van. Kind of like those long horn things ya see in Texas. "

I know this particular aunt was probably thinking "Scott married himself a bonafide nut job." You could see the panicked look in her eyes. That is until we all burst out laughing. Relief. Pure relief. Shew....she's not really crazy. Well, at least not any crazier then the rest of us. Thank goodness she's not certifiable.

So, Lourraine being the respectable southern lady that she is, tries to hold her tongue whenever possible, but sometimes if you catch mean her in the right mood you never know what might pop out of her mouth. She has such pearls of wisdom to share with her family. Things like, "Soda is nothing but acid that will eat the teeth right out of your head...then you'll have to spend the rest of your life gumming applesauce for your dinner. Is that what you want?"  or "Dear sweet, sweet children of mine, you are offending my sense of smell. When was the last time you slapped on some deoderant? Honey, it don't work if you don't use it."

Ahhh.......the world is a better place after Lourraine straightens things out.

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